Friday, August 31, 2007
Dreams
What happened to our dreams? Is it just me or are there other people (lots I hope) that at some point gave up on that one dream they wanted to pursue? When did it become immature or juvenile to think that I could someday do what I really wanted to do? When is it 'too late'? Lately I have started to seriously think about where my life is and should be going. I am nearing 30, and have been looking back at my life, and you know what? I haven't accomplished shit. I used to dream big. I used to once say that I would change the world. I felt that anything and everything was possible. When did it all change? Did not finishing college really squash all possible opportunities to be "successful? Is that the missing piece of this puzzle that would have brought it all together? I am extremely grateful for that I have now and I am proud for what I have done but when will I be content with my life? I wish someone could tell me what I am looking for and I wish I could actually believe them. I know that I am the only one that knows that. Then why am I so scared? Scared to do something. Scared to start something that will only end up being yet another mistake in my life. Something I should have thought out more. How many more times does my family and friends have to say 'There he goes again, making another dumb decision.' I don't care what anybody says but sometimes they are right. I don't want to be those people that ignores the bloody truth, that has been staring at me since the beginning. My brain has been racked with this. So much so that I already know what kind of responses I will get to this. I already know what I am supposed to say afterwards. I am tired of thinking so much, tired of feeling so helpless. Exhausted of knowing the answers to my problems and yet not being able to do anything about it. When does this all end? Why cant anybody see what I mean? What I really mean. There are no answers, only questions. I am not a kid, I am not an adult. So what the hell am I?
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2 comments:
Sorry, C-los, to have been long absent this past year as I have been grieving my brother.
Having just read about your conflicted thoughts and inner turmoil, you are in the midst of some serious soul-searching, which can be painful but also useful in releasing some pent-up pain.
I actually wish David were still here, because, even though he was never thought by anyone to be anything much of a success, he could cut right to the core of things sometimes.
Here's my thoughts, my friend:
On the river of life, some float down river and 'go with the flow', and handle whatever comes their way: forks in the river, whitewater rapids, slow moving currents or unexpected waterfalls. Others, take an active and aggressive role, having researched ahead of time, and paddle or steer to hit what they want. Both may hit the same places, but one randomly floated there, and others worked hard to get there.
Does it really make a difference? If you are the 'go with the flow' type, then just accept that your final destination will not be one of your choosing, but of fate. If you are the 'take charge' type, then you increase the chances of being where you want to be, but THERE IS NO GUARANTEE.
Lastly...
You are always making choices, whether you want to or not.
Not choosing IS a choice.
(long distance hugs, my friend)
Uni
Thanks Uni. I guess I do have some soul searching to do. I know this year has been tough for you, but I can see your still being your usual helpful self. I could always count on you to look at my probs from a different perspective and then give me an honest opinion. You know, life has an ugly way of either passing you by or catching up to you. I guess im just lost.
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