Religion

My girlfriend and I had a great discussion about religion last weekend that I thought I should write about it. It started with me asking her (rhetorically) if perhaps religion was the missing piece in my life that can finally bring calm in my life.


My history with religion is a rocky one. I was raised catholic, attending a private elementary, middle and high school. I cant say I was ever really serious about being a catholic, I never wanted to go to church, but I did. When I attended mass (either for school or with moms) it wasn't bad, but I couldn't wait to get out and play with my friends. As I got older I didn't exactly lived my life as a practicing catholic but it never really bothered me. It was always somewhere in my mind. I never forgot about it and I went on knowing that I was living against what I was brought up to believe.


Then came the Marines. In boot camp I had a moment of clarity. We attended church every Sunday and that was the only time I felt at peace. Away from the drill instructors screams and the grueling exercise I would hear beautiful music that reminded me of my childhood. It felt great. A time where my biggest problem was collecting $.35 to buy a Snickers. I would ask God to help me get through this because I cant do it alone. I knew he was listening. Every Sunday I asked for the same thing. No dont do it for me, just help me do it myself, I was very clear about that. I knew he didnt work that way, he would send me help through the letters I recieved from my family and friends. And guess what? I made it. After that I felt a bond with God that no one could understand. He had helped my through the most difficult chapter in my life.


Time passed and the aura of the Marines started to fade. I love what they do, or rather instill, in people but going career is not an option for everyone. I slipped into a time of work and relationships (not always good) and I started to question things in my life. One day in church I realized that I didn't know what I was saying. During mass there are certain things that people respond to after the priest speaks. I would respond out of total reflex. I didn't really know what I was saying, I was just on autopilot. I looked around and I see everyone saying the same things, including Moms. My Mom had lots of emotion when she spoke. So did alot of other people, but not me. I didn't feel anything. I didn't get upset but it felt wrong. Thought about it for some time after that day. Eventually, I decided to give up on it. Until maybe I have an epiphany or something and it all becomes clear. So I respected everyone that had faith, as long as no one tried to forcibly bring me back I just wanted to believe whatever I wanted to believe.


9/11/2001.


Enough said. I was pissed. As much as I was angry about what happened, I was pissed because I thought people needed answers. And that got me started on wanting answers for everyone else in the world that is suffering. I wanted answers too. No, no don't give me any double talk and don't make blanket statements about the world and life. People of strong faith were making it seem like this is Gods will. Are you kidding me? If that is the case then I want to know why. And I didn't want an answer from a man, I wanted an answer from the top. The big guy himself. You see how mad I was. Irrational perhaps, but the point was that we must have all our questions answered. The world has changed and the time for faith was over. People must know why these things happen. He is supposed to know everything and He knew why this happened. And He knew why these things happen all over the world. Am I not entitled to answers? Do I need to be someone special to get His attention? I guess so.


Fast forward to now. I'm not angry anymore but the world did keep changing. I still think that we deserve answers but I don't think we are going to get it. I made to peace with that. People close to me past away and being angry just made no sense. How would that help their families have peace. I still get bothered when someone tries to explain to me why this or that. I used to argue but now I just stay quiet and let them believe whatever they want to believe. If it makes them happy, that's great. However trying to make me understand is futile. I will only listen to God if he speaks directly to me. Pretty silly huh? But that is what it will take. And since that is likely not to happen, I remain with my own beliefs. Just leave me alone :-).


Fast, fast forward to last weekend. My girlfriend and I talk about this every now and then and I used to be aggressive when we spoke. I didn't want to hear anything but now we can talk and agree to disagree in peace. She has valid points and I don't dismiss anything she says but I still stick to what I believe. I see the importance of believing in something but the inherent risk is that one day that bubble may burst. I don't think I need religion but bouts of depression sometimes make me feel that religion may be the missing part of my life. I don't know, but some answers would sure be great.

Life goes on

Well things have turned around since my last post. I have a job again and things are looking pretty good. Its a pretty cool place. And not just because we have something called "Thirsty Thursdays" which is when we have drinks the last hour of the day. Usually margaritas. You could imagine my surprise when they put a cup on my desk and when I took a sniff, I smelled tequila. So at first I sipped slowly looking around wondering if someone made a (awesome) mistake. Someone noticed my aprehension and told me they like to do this every Thursday, when they can. It seems there are some people in the office that dont approve (one person in accounting) so they try to keep it on the down low. After that, they told me there is more downstairs if I wanted. Hmmmm. I started guzzling. I wasnt trying to get really drunk, but one of my golden rules is, "Never turn down free booze." Besides, if they notice you drinking alot they start asking, "are you sure you can drive?" and all that jazz so I dont get too crazy. (please note, I live 5 min away) Beyond that this place is cool because it reminds me of my old job in L.A. Everyone is really friendly. I have yet to really, really fit in but I know it will happen soon enough. I never liked people that start a new job and right away act like they have been there forever. It has always served me well to play the "new guy" role until people feel like I am one of them. Living so close to work is also a great advantage, especially when we get 3 feet of snow overnight.

But the trials that come when starting a new job still suck. Especially when your at the bottom of that totem pole. I wanted to work here because I can see opportunities for advancement, but thats not gonna happen anytime soon. For now, I have people explaining things to me that I have known for a long time. Telling me how to use a phone system. Do I know how to use Outlook? Have I ever shipped something thru FedEx? (HAHA) Do I know how to set up a printer? Have I ever done any filing? I always downplay what I know, because I also dont like people that act like they cant possibly be taught anything new. My resume should have told them everything about me, but they are not that critical about things. It doesnt bother me that much, just anxious about getting to a position where I have more responsibility. Right now I am the office manager/operator(receptionist)/and guy that does odd jobs around the office. I have taken a pay cut to be here, but I believe there is a future here. So now I have to get a second job again and try to make up for that loss.

You know there are alot of kids here in my girlfriends family that have recently left to college and some that will be going to college next year. I wish I could tell them how important it is for them to take their studies seriously because they do not want to struggle like I am. I know it could be worse for me, but for some people just what I am going through is an absolute mystery. They should strive to be more like my girlfriend, who is very successful and she loves what she does. She finished college in 4 years and had her Masters by the time she was 27 years old. I would imagine this being the goal of all college students but it takes lots of work and even more discipline. I hope these kids know what they are doing.

P.S. To goldstix_69, Ronnie is that you from work all those years back? I just want to be sure im remembering the right person. Senor AWOL?

Shit Happens

Well, quite a develpoment has happened since my last entry. The one thing I think most people dread has happened to me. I have been LAID-OFF! Yep, it actually does happen to people but maybe only to auto workers and people in small towns. I guess I shouldn't be too surprised though, I should have seen it coming. I could see things were really slow at work and I wasnt exactly thriving in my postion. I would be lying if I said things were going great for me there. I was unhappy and frustrated on a daily basis. I had been put in a position that I really knew nothing about but I was asked to give it a try. I had moderate success but I eventually knew it wasnt for me.



So now what? Well I am on the hunt once again. Sending out my resume here and there, sitting down and doing the interview thing. I really dont mind the interviews, I feel I could talk my way into (almost) anything. The worse part, of course, is when they dont call back, or when they call to say "we appreciate your interest..." blah-blah-blah. It sucks but it is what it is. No time to dwell on bad luck, got bills to pay and pets to feed. Besides, as I previously explained, I was ready to leave that place. Better this than being fired. I have learned that one of the most important things in getting a job is references. Oh yes, they do call and ask about how you were. I know some people that just up and leave their jobs if they dont like it. No 2 week notice, not even a call. WRONG-O!!

Maybe I should do something crazy with my life...again. Maybe I should attend film school. It is what I WANT to do. But could I? It would be a committment on a level I have never attempted before. But I am scared. Scared to not follow through on it. Scared to be a failure. I guess I have time now to think it over.

Dreams

What happened to our dreams? Is it just me or are there other people (lots I hope) that at some point gave up on that one dream they wanted to pursue? When did it become immature or juvenile to think that I could someday do what I really wanted to do? When is it 'too late'? Lately I have started to seriously think about where my life is and should be going. I am nearing 30, and have been looking back at my life, and you know what? I haven't accomplished shit. I used to dream big. I used to once say that I would change the world. I felt that anything and everything was possible. When did it all change? Did not finishing college really squash all possible opportunities to be "successful? Is that the missing piece of this puzzle that would have brought it all together? I am extremely grateful for that I have now and I am proud for what I have done but when will I be content with my life? I wish someone could tell me what I am looking for and I wish I could actually believe them. I know that I am the only one that knows that. Then why am I so scared? Scared to do something. Scared to start something that will only end up being yet another mistake in my life. Something I should have thought out more. How many more times does my family and friends have to say 'There he goes again, making another dumb decision.' I don't care what anybody says but sometimes they are right. I don't want to be those people that ignores the bloody truth, that has been staring at me since the beginning. My brain has been racked with this. So much so that I already know what kind of responses I will get to this. I already know what I am supposed to say afterwards. I am tired of thinking so much, tired of feeling so helpless. Exhausted of knowing the answers to my problems and yet not being able to do anything about it. When does this all end? Why cant anybody see what I mean? What I really mean. There are no answers, only questions. I am not a kid, I am not an adult. So what the hell am I?