Religion

My girlfriend and I had a great discussion about religion last weekend that I thought I should write about it. It started with me asking her (rhetorically) if perhaps religion was the missing piece in my life that can finally bring calm in my life.


My history with religion is a rocky one. I was raised catholic, attending a private elementary, middle and high school. I cant say I was ever really serious about being a catholic, I never wanted to go to church, but I did. When I attended mass (either for school or with moms) it wasn't bad, but I couldn't wait to get out and play with my friends. As I got older I didn't exactly lived my life as a practicing catholic but it never really bothered me. It was always somewhere in my mind. I never forgot about it and I went on knowing that I was living against what I was brought up to believe.


Then came the Marines. In boot camp I had a moment of clarity. We attended church every Sunday and that was the only time I felt at peace. Away from the drill instructors screams and the grueling exercise I would hear beautiful music that reminded me of my childhood. It felt great. A time where my biggest problem was collecting $.35 to buy a Snickers. I would ask God to help me get through this because I cant do it alone. I knew he was listening. Every Sunday I asked for the same thing. No dont do it for me, just help me do it myself, I was very clear about that. I knew he didnt work that way, he would send me help through the letters I recieved from my family and friends. And guess what? I made it. After that I felt a bond with God that no one could understand. He had helped my through the most difficult chapter in my life.


Time passed and the aura of the Marines started to fade. I love what they do, or rather instill, in people but going career is not an option for everyone. I slipped into a time of work and relationships (not always good) and I started to question things in my life. One day in church I realized that I didn't know what I was saying. During mass there are certain things that people respond to after the priest speaks. I would respond out of total reflex. I didn't really know what I was saying, I was just on autopilot. I looked around and I see everyone saying the same things, including Moms. My Mom had lots of emotion when she spoke. So did alot of other people, but not me. I didn't feel anything. I didn't get upset but it felt wrong. Thought about it for some time after that day. Eventually, I decided to give up on it. Until maybe I have an epiphany or something and it all becomes clear. So I respected everyone that had faith, as long as no one tried to forcibly bring me back I just wanted to believe whatever I wanted to believe.


9/11/2001.


Enough said. I was pissed. As much as I was angry about what happened, I was pissed because I thought people needed answers. And that got me started on wanting answers for everyone else in the world that is suffering. I wanted answers too. No, no don't give me any double talk and don't make blanket statements about the world and life. People of strong faith were making it seem like this is Gods will. Are you kidding me? If that is the case then I want to know why. And I didn't want an answer from a man, I wanted an answer from the top. The big guy himself. You see how mad I was. Irrational perhaps, but the point was that we must have all our questions answered. The world has changed and the time for faith was over. People must know why these things happen. He is supposed to know everything and He knew why this happened. And He knew why these things happen all over the world. Am I not entitled to answers? Do I need to be someone special to get His attention? I guess so.


Fast forward to now. I'm not angry anymore but the world did keep changing. I still think that we deserve answers but I don't think we are going to get it. I made to peace with that. People close to me past away and being angry just made no sense. How would that help their families have peace. I still get bothered when someone tries to explain to me why this or that. I used to argue but now I just stay quiet and let them believe whatever they want to believe. If it makes them happy, that's great. However trying to make me understand is futile. I will only listen to God if he speaks directly to me. Pretty silly huh? But that is what it will take. And since that is likely not to happen, I remain with my own beliefs. Just leave me alone :-).


Fast, fast forward to last weekend. My girlfriend and I talk about this every now and then and I used to be aggressive when we spoke. I didn't want to hear anything but now we can talk and agree to disagree in peace. She has valid points and I don't dismiss anything she says but I still stick to what I believe. I see the importance of believing in something but the inherent risk is that one day that bubble may burst. I don't think I need religion but bouts of depression sometimes make me feel that religion may be the missing part of my life. I don't know, but some answers would sure be great.